I knocked off work 2 hours early so my son and I could play some golf on a lovely Monday afternoon. We get to the club and find out one of our selfish and thoughtless local women’s clubs decided to have a fundraiser golf tournament for The American Cancer Society. So no golf for me today. I haven’t played in a couple of weeks and I miss it. Now I have 4 hours on my hands, so I thought I might write a Chronicle about some other things I miss…
Downloading/opening email when I get to my hotel room:
For the last several years I get it fresh all day on my phone, this makes my evenings pretty much work free…so I sit around and think about all the exercise I’m not getting. I kinda miss the surprise of what went on all day while I was on the road. Maybe it’s also that I miss being disconnected. I don’t believe all this connectivity is healthy. It’s been said a thousand times, but it’s a marvel to me that we have all these tools to makes us more efficient in our jobs and yet it seems like there is less time, and more stress.
But on the other hand…In some ways, it seems the more connection circuits I have, the less connected I feel – especially to my friends. Maybe we take the connections for granted, we know they’re always there, so we feel less motivated to reach out. I don’t think it’s supposed to work like that.
Turning Wrenches:
I’m truly a blue collar guy doing a white collar job in a blue collar industry. When I was a kid, and even as a young adult, I worked on my bikes, my cars, and my stuff. I briefly worked in the maintenance department at a municipal facility while I was working my way through colleges I didn’t attend as I pursued the business degree I never earned. I miss the satisfaction that came with manual activity, and fixing things. I have never quite equaled it on a laptop computer.
My Babies:
Actually, all babies. I miss being around babies and little kids. When you have babies and little kids, you’re usually hanging out with other people who have babies and little kids…and they all kinda become your kids. It takes a village.
When your kids get older, the hanging with the children becomes more novelty than regular practice. I miss having someone sit on my lap for the magic of a story, and there being nothing more in this world that this child wants or needs but the words on the page as interpreted by you. This is a cruel fate, but a fate deserved for all the times I cursed the thought of having to read ‘Goodnight Moon’, or ‘The House That Jack Built’, “…just one more time, Daddy”. I would give just about anything for “just one more time.” If I knew that Heaven was going to involve reading books to little kids, I would probably be a better person.
Political *in*correctness:
I have become a coward in this new millennium. Back in the 70s, we could make fun of anything.
Here are some examples of Facebook posts, or LMC lines that I have written, and then deleted:
Just after Caitlyn Jenner’s “announcement”…Inspired by Caitlyn, I had gender reassignment surgery yesterday… got my fucking period today. I think I’ve changed my mind.
Just after Cecil the lion controversy…I’m so outraged by the cruelty regarding Cecil the lion, I can barely enjoy my veal.
I love sarcasm in the face of controversy. My whimsical, old school, soul tells me Bruce to Caitlyn is a crazy situation wrought with humor, in fact, Caitlyn herself drops little barbs here and there. But my conscience tells me that the world is changing, and everything doesn’t need to be a joke, or not everyone (me) is entitled to joke about everything. I think it’s kinda like black people and the “n word”, they’re allowed, I’m not. I understand.
And even if it is funny, I don’t wish to offend or disappoint anyone. I writhe with conflict in the battle of things I should and shouldn’t say. I really miss not caring about it…and it’s not that I don’t want to care about whose feelings I might hurt, because I do. I have good friends who are passionate animal rights advocates – the kind of people who have that Sarah McLachlan Humane Society commercial on DVD and watch it on Saturdays just to remind themselves of “the struggle”. And they’re not even posturing to get laid; they really care. A leveraged joke using Cecil as the fulcrum might upset one of these friends – I don’t want to do that. I think that kind of empathy is one of my few qualities. What disappoints me about me, is that I care about all the political correctness hall monitors and what they might think. The people who say that we “… can’t say that” – whatever “that” is. The people who take a position on a cause they don’t understand, but it’s trendy. Why should I care if I offend them?
I’m not just a coward, I feel like I’m selling out my beliefs to a degree. The people I offend with my Caitlyn jokes are mostly the same people who skewer Tim Tebow for his openness regarding his faith. Tim is as brave as Caitlyn…just not as trendy. This makes my head want to explode.
But my head stays intact, because bottom line; I just don’t want to fight, and I don’t want to offend. I want to smile, laugh and hug, without conflict. Like a little pussy.
Rock and Roll Guitar Heroes:
John Mayer? Really? This is the best we have? JM is a fine musician…I actually met him in Nags Head when he was just a 19 years old, sweet kid, full of humility and amazing talent. But I digress…fuck John Mayer. I want to hear a young gun who can make a Stratocaster scream like a tortured banshee in heat.
Where is this generation’s Pete Townsend, Eddie Van Halen, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Eric Clapton, Steve Vai, Yngwie Malmsteen, Keith Partridge, Joe Perry, Rick Nielsen, Brian May, Santana, or Jeff Beck? I could go on and on…so many from “my generation”, and so few today. I’m sure they’re out there, it’s just that Taylor Swift has all the shelf space.
For the record, I’m not a Taylor hater…I actually like her, and I love her game. I just hate her shelf space, and what corporate music and capitalism is doing to the soul of entertainment. Aretha Franklin would probably not make it in the music industry today. Those may be the saddest words I’ve ever written.
And Speaking of Music:
I miss going to a venue with a real name. I went to concerts at The Capital Centre, (named for its location, not the “One Card”) and RFK stadium, and Merriweather Post Pavilion…not the corporate Verizon Wireless Amphitheater, and Citibank Stadium, or AT&T Theater in the Round co-sponsored by SONY Entertainment & Chick-fil-A. I understand capitalism, I love capitalism…the C in my “given” name stands for capitalism…but is everything for sale? Would James Brown have become the Godfather of soul if he had recorded his ‘Live at the Apollo’ album at PepsiCo Park? I DON’T THINK SO…
A corporate venue lacks soul…this is always true.
And One More Music Thing:
Albums. Black, vinyl, record albums. The artwork, the liner notes, the lyrics printed on the inner sleeve or the inside fold of the cover…lyrics written just for me. I think I’ve mentioned this before in another Chronicle, but it bears repeating. Man I miss that stuff. When I was younger, the only thing better than kissing a pretty girl was a new record album.
The Sins of My Youth:
Malt Duck, Miller pony bottles, Schlitz tallboys, Stroh’s…and sweet stinky weed (only on rare occasions).
I swear beer tasted better when you weren’t allowed to have it. I post lots of pictures on my Facebook page of beers that I’m in the process of enjoying; but I’ll tell you… the best beer that ever crossed these lady loving lips was the beer I drank after every home football game my senior year of high school. My buddy and I would drink one each before we went in to change for the game, and we left four on ice in a crappy, squeaky, dirty, white, Styrofoam cooler. After the game, on a cool October night, under the dim industrial blue and yellow sodium vapor streetlights of my high school parking lot, thinking about the girl you were going to ask to dance that night, we drank that ice cold Budweiser… so cold you could track it as it traveled down your throat to your belly. Almost 40 years later, no beer has ever been more appreciated or has tasted so good. That was pure adolescent magic.
The Junk Food of My Youth:
Red licorice, Charms Sour pops, candy cigarettes, Big Buddy Bubble Gum, 7 Up, Dr. Pepper (the drinks don’t taste the same today) a cherry Slurpee, Chilly Willies. Junk food was better when I was a kid. I would pay $50 for that foot long piece of cherry or banana flavored Big Buddy gum. It would be perfect if my sweetheart, Kathy, or her friends (and mine of course), Cindy or Pam had it folded in the back pocket of their baby blue corduroy Levi’s for about an hour and then broke off about a 3″ piece and gave it to me. When Big Buddy bubble gum was “seasoned” in the back pocket of your Levi’s for an hour or two, it softened up for immediate chewability. It had to be Levi’s… cords were a better seasoning vessel than denim, and it only worked in the hip pocket. Softened bubblegum from your favorite girl’s hip pocket was better than just about anything you knew about when you were 13 years old. An indisputable truth.
Your Thoughts:
When I first got on Facebook, I thought it was so cool to see what was on your mind. You wrote down your thoughts, you talked about, or shared pics of your kids or your grandkids, you shared a music video, or maybe just wrote down a few lines of a song you liked. I really miss that stuff. You wrote about your work day, a visit with a friend, or a funny/sweet/intense/notable moment. Now it’s videos of cats laying beside a pitbull, pictures of food or beer (GUILTY!), postcards about how we should let go of people who don’t treat us nicely, political bullshit, or how much we like wine or guns or flags…or, how much we don’t. Social media was once a real connection, now it feels like a bulletin board in the lunchroom, and everyone is at Wendy’s.
***
I miss lots of other stuff too, but that’s all I have for now. I miss taking the time to write The Large Man Chronicles, sharing all the crazy, sick, twisted, & stupid stuff that rolls around my head all day. But I think I can do something about that.
I HAVE A LARGE ASS… .
…comment section below. What are some things YOU miss? TELL ME!
Thanks for reading!!
TLM
The Large Man Chronicles 
I miss being a dirty, sweaty, kool-aid stained kid in the summer. Taking a bath at the end of the perfect day. Washing off the playground dirt and sand. My mom putting Noxema on my sunburned shoulders. A fresh nightgown on and slipping into cool sheets that had been washed and line dried. Those were the days.
That Noxema smell is an awesome memory!! A lot of times we just washed our feet before bed…sheets were only cleaned once a week in my hood. I kept a kool-aid mustache until 5th grade (that’s when I got my real mustache – as a 17 year old)
I miss driving through the McDonald’s parking lot a hundred times with Rach after the HS football games, I miss dancing with DJ & Derek V after the games, I miss the busy signal (I hate being interrupted by the beep of call waiting) I miss TX, the heat, the country dance halls & bars, the way everyone danced at clubs instead of just standing around, I miss ‘Lee’s Tomb’ where they played beach music & ‘Nicks in the Sticks’ where you could get a filet & fries for $10.99, both in Tuscaloosa. I miss the U of A campus on game days. I miss driving to the Outer Banks with Rach every weekend after college & before we both got married, I miss swinging on the the front porch swing at Miss Vivian’s house because it was just too hot to do anything else. I too miss reading children’s books, Road Builders to Cole a thousand times and Tumble Bumble to Peyton. I miss having the time to connect to the people I miss. I miss Manny Moon’s and hanging around my dad’s car lot begging to dive the new MGBs. So many things to miss but I guess that means we all had a pretty good life so far…love your stories JC and all the memories they bring back 😘
Good ones!! I miss the quick access to OBX (any beach for that matter!). 5 or 6 hours would be a cake walk to my 13 hours from PA. ❤
I miss seeing kids playing outside, all day everyday no matter the weather. Building tree forts in the woods, playing in the creek, catching frogs and tad poles, climbing down the sewer to retrieve the ball from street ball games, blocking the curb line during the rain, riding to places on my bicycle my parents woulda beat my ass had they’d known, snow ball fights and sledding on Dale City streets, riding my motorcycle on trails in the woods without fear of the police confiscating my bike, and all the great conversation and silliness and stupidness sitting on the neighborhood corner with my friends. AND cruising Pizza Hut and the Bowl Hole parking lot. Great Largeman Chronicle, JC =)
Oh man…blocking the curb line in the rain! SO much fun!
I miss playing kickball in the road in front of my house, playing hide and go seek when it got dark, and sledding down the hill at Rippon (which seemed a lot steeper when I was a kid).
By the way, I don’t remember you working on cars so much as I remember you wrecking them.
I worked on them AFTER I wrecked them!! You’re right, I wrecked a bunch!! Everything there seems smaller.
To the above I would add the exquisite anticipation of a first kiss with a new date, and I especially miss the genuinely naive, unsophisticated innocence of that time in our lives. Yes. I really miss that. Great blog Large Man. You made me remember. xo
❤
I also miss the the neighborhood kickball games, sledding in winter with the Mehr boys, totaly oblivious to their attractiveness, rollerskating down the treacherous Duran Dr. all the way to the bottom of Delmar where the Stoutamayers lived Having best friends, to ride bikes, have sleepovers, talk for hours on the phone, fix you up with the guy you like, listen to frightening descriptions of your first kiss… I miss speaking English, being corny in English, having people understand my jokes and my humor, sharing a similar life experience with the people that surround me.. Thanks JC for giving me that always!! Everything that you write makes my heart twang
Good! Making hearts twang is always my intent. You’ve certainly made some hearts twang a few times!! Your sun dresses were the best!! 🙂
Thank you JC, and everybody that shared! I miss ALL of these things! We all had a pretty great childhood, didn’t we!? Yes we did. Thanks for the memories!
Well…you’re welcome. 😉
I miss the mornings in the Gar-field High School library – the energy, the laughter, and anticipating who I might see. I miss secret crushes, hugs from my friends and Kevin Kaczmarek’s overalls. I miss the smell of my freshly dry-cleaned uniform, the feel of stiff saddle oxfords, the sound of my high school band, and cool autumn nights under the football stadium lights. I miss hearing the crash of shoulder pads, the squeak of sneakers on the gym floor, the slam of a take-down, and doing homework on long bus rides to and from away games. I miss,doing cartwheels on the putting green, sledding down the driving range, and eating an apple while walking the golf cart paths with my friend Sheila Van Schoick. I miss swimming/skating across the lake, sipping hot chocolate with Richard Beamer, reading a book while lounging on the dolphin at Dolphin Lake, and studying on the dock. I miss sitting/bouncing on the high dive at the pool for hours when only six families lived in the neighborhood and the lifeguards who were so kind to allow me to do so. I miss Mrs. Schlimgen’s homemade candy, Mrs. Caddigan’s brown Pinto, Coach Kelly’s whistle, and my mother’s laugh.
Ohhhhhh, how I enjoyed all of your memories, and the fact that we shared so many of them made it all the more special! I envy your ability to remember the details so clearly and I am surely grateful that you were willing to take the time to share. Thank you for the walk down memory lane. I miss you my friend! xo
Dang, Karen…so eloquent!! “…the squeak of sneakers on a gym floor…the feel of stiff saddle oxfords…” We all go to that place when we read this. Beautifully crafted and written!! In fact, a bit too good!! 😉 Thanks for sharing. You are a peach
Thanks JC. I learned from you. xoxoxox
You are welcome. Those were special times and I am glad that we had the opportunity to experience them together You are a good friend. I miss you too! xo