The last time I sat down to write a Chronicle, I enjoyed it so much I asked myself the question, “Why are you not doing this every week?”
Then I replied to myself, “It doesn’t matter why, I’m going to start now! 20 minutes a day of writing and creative discipline…every day! BECAUSE I LOVE THIS! THIS IS WHO I AM!! IT STARTS NOW!!! Right after Sports Center.
That was 19 months ago.
Even though I stared down several computer screens with thoughts of, “…maybe I should try to write something”, until right now, not a single word or idea has been typed in service of The Large Man Chronicles. I’m not sure if I can explain to you (or me) why. But I’m going to try.
To the best of my calculation it’s been about 580 days since I posted a blog. That is 580 days without taking at least a few minutes to be purposefully creative. That’s 13,920 hours that I’ll never get back. Five-hundred-eighty… 20-minute writing sessions…that I instead donated to Facebook, or Fox, or CNN, or ESPN, or Seinfeld, rather than give to myself and my favorite craft. I’d feel better about it if those 20-minute sessions were spent at the gym, or on a bike ride…nope.
I’ve done lots of thinking though. I’ve thought about lots of things that would make a good Large Man story. I’ve spoken the phrase out loud a bunch of times in the last 580 days, “…that would make a good Large Man story.” Point A never seems to lead to point B.
I had a job that I wasn’t happy with, and therefore I wasn’t happy with myself. Loved the people, loved the company…hated the way I did the job. That’s part of it. There was social unrest at levels I have never seen before, maybe I just wasn’t paying attention before. That’s also part of it. There was political turmoil that I simply could not escape. I have never cared about politics, because I have never believed that anyone had the answers. I believe that EVERYBODY is wrong.
E V E R Y B O D Y . . . I S . . . W R O N G
That’s part of it too.
It might be that in a time when so many people are upset and angry…and so divided on the things that make them upset and angry, I didn’t think anyone would want to read my sarcastic take on things that make me upset and angry. Is my view on a self-centered traveler who’s being rude to the people around her appropriate right now? Should I be poking fun at the daily maladies and struggles that come with making a living and raising a family and navigating life? Life is hard right now, man.
I promised in my original post on ‘The Large Man Chronicles’ that I would never get political. I’m standing by that promise because as much as I would like to write 1,500 words or so on how I feel about the state of our union, I would be wrong…to someone. And while I have a right to be wrong, and you have a right to tell me I’m wrong…I don’t want the bloodshed of our ideological conflict staining the pages of my virtual book. I never mind the debate; in fact, I rather enjoy it. But the power and permanence of the written word, and the aftermath that latches on to an online argument, like one of those remora fish on a Great White shark, are more responsibility than I’m willing to commit to – even on my insignificant little blog page.
Almost 22 years ago I wrote a story called, ‘Thank Heaven for Little Girls’. Most of you have read it, it’s been published twice on this blog page. That “little girl”, just like the song says, got “…bigger every day”. She loved everything I did when she was 5, not so much now that she’s almost 22. That’s OK. We can disagree, and we can debate, and I’ll still love her and “thank Heaven” for her every day. We slug it out a lot…philosophically, politically, and common sensically… it doesn’t matter. This father’s love is unconditional. Always has been. Always will be.
She’s probably pretty close to the same with me. I won’t speak for her, but I know.
I don’t have that same contract with the readers of The Large Man Chronicles. Over these last 580 days, I think I may have been afraid of writing about things that were in the front of my consciousness for fear of risking the loss of my readership…all 3 dozen of you.
You see, I get a significant dopamine shot when you guys click that “Like” button on The Fan of The Large Man Chronicles Facebook page, or on my personal page, or on the blog’s website. Every click is another shot. If you share the link to my post on your page, it equates to 3 or 4 “Likes”, and the dopamine is out of my brain and into my bloodstream…affecting all my critical organs and nooks and crannies…wowsa!!
Now…if you take the time to click that Like button, share on your page, AND COMMENT… the trifecta of The Large Man Chronicle response code… a crack cocaine binge with Eric Clapton would not keep up with that endorphin rush!!
Oddly enough, even if the comment is negative, or critical (and I get lots of those via private message or in conversation) it’s still the same. It’s, super exponential dopamine, and it lasts for a few days. It’s not better than sex…but I had to think about it for a second before I committed to writing that statement.
By nature, I am not averse to risk. In fact; I’m very risk tolerant. I changed jobs in September. Changing jobs in an election year is risky, especially in my industry. Dial up that risk ratio significantly in this contentious election year. Now add a pandemic, add 2 kids in college, and a move to a new house, then add the fact that your trophy wife (and chief editor) is a materialistic, gold digging harpy, who will never respect you, but expects a new snowblower and lawn mower every 8 years, and a new car every 12 years…add all those things up, and changing jobs almost seems irresponsible. But I did it. I did it because I wasn’t happy in my role. It was really that simple.
So, I’m willing to risk financial ruin to be happy in my job, but for the last year and a half I was not willing to risk losing the Large Man Chronicles readership for writing about the things I truly wanted to say. I was not willing to risk the endorphin rush that comes from you liking what I have to say, in order to say what’s really on my mind…to say the things that need to be said for all of us. I was willing to abandon my principles and my truth rather than risk losing the “Likes” that are clicked on a social media page – a social media page THAT… by the way… I don’t really think is all that good for us anymore.
Hmmm? When one writes it out, it all makes perfect sense. Yeah. I’m good with that…compromising my values, principles and truth, just to be liked. That would make a good Large Man story.
Thanks for reading. Love each other. Wash your hands. Wear your mask. Own your truth!
Big Love,
TLM
The Large Man Chronicles 