The Large Man Chronicles

Once upon a time, while delayed in some airport, in some town, I was perusing the magazine stand in the snack shop/drink shop/book shop/shop shop. As I perused, I noticed that about 12 of the 22 women’s magazines mentioned something to the effect of how women could turn on their partners …drive their men wild…get the attention they deserve….etc. etc….for better and more frequent sex (or better “lovemaking” for the readers over 60). There were “must do” lists, there were articles, interviews with experts; all the knowledge a woman would need to make a man want to get jiggy with her.

Hmmm…Is there a problem going on that I don’t know about?

Guys talk about sex too. However, in the 50 years and 10 days of my life, not one boy, dude, guy, or man has ever said to me, “Large Man, my (woman) just can’t seem to turn me on. She tries and tries, and nothing seems to work. Do you know where there is some reading material on this subject?”
I have NEVER had that conversation.

I’m not talking about enough sex, let’s face it – twice a day, every day of the week, and double that on a rainy Sunday on vacation, might not be enough sex. How can you define “enough”?  And I’m not talking about the quality of the activity…that’s another subject, and a subject in which no single person could be an authority.  I’m talking about the need to publish an article or a “to do” list on things a woman can do to get a man interested in her.

What the hell people? This type of writing is wasteful. It wastes the time of the reader, it wastes an editor’s time, and it wastes space in a magazine that could be used for other writing…perhaps writing that is creative in nature…perhaps an occasional Large Man episode. This is a self-serving point, but a valid point none the less.

So this got the Large Man thinking; who could be more of an expert on the subject of being turned on than me? Basically, I’m a walking, talking erection. I consider myself an expert in this field, because this has been a fairly chronic condition since I was 13 or 14 years old. We’re talking 36 years of experience.

SO…I thought I would offer my expertise to all the readers of The Large Man Chronicles free of charge. My only request is that when these techniques are used, and you realize how well they work, you credit me during the pillow talk session after your bliss.

One magazine had a list of 50 things…I will give you just 5 simple moves. This magazine offers a bunch of bullshit made up by people who are just writing to get attention…I…well…sometimes that’s alright I guess. Anyway my 5 moves are based on real life experiences – experienced by me, and other guys that I know. These are simply things that women have done to get me interested in having sex with them. Obviously, identities will not be revealed in the interest of decorum and protecting the innocent (or guilty).

Move # 1
This little trick was sprung on me very early in my life. Two innocent (age of consent) kids figuring out the beauty of life, first love, and all its sweetness.  She took my hand, kissed me, and then looked in my eyes and said, “Come on…let’s go in the other room”. It worked

Move # 2
A little later in life when we were a more promiscuous society…late 70s early 80s…sex and drugs and disco era, I found myself looking for comfort about town. It was during this time when this particular move was used deftly by a young lady with whom I was dancing. She leaned into me, pressed her body against me and without any eye contact she hoarsely (smoker) whispered in my ear, “Come on… let’s get out of here”.  Once again, I was helpless. I had to go. A subtly different move, but just as effective as move # 1… maybe even more effective, as I had no real emotional or romantic attachment to this person.

Move # 3
I would say that this happened with my first real grown up, long-term relationship. Thankfully I didn’t marry this girl, but I could have. She really knew how to “get my attention”, if you catch my drift. We had been dating a couple of weeks…the dates became more about dinner and TV at one of our apartments rather than dinner and a movie out. We were watching TV on the sofa at her apartment, we’re kind of kissing, and hugging…I guess you would call it making out. Then she sort of gently pushed me away from her, looked at me and said, “Come on…let’s go to my room”. DAMN!!! Next thing I know we’re having breakfast. Her room was right there in the same apartment, so from a logistics standpoint it couldn’t have been easier . We didn’t even have to put on our shoes. Try this one ladies, if it doesn’t work I’ll give you your money back.

Move # 4
Move number 4 has a special place in my heart because of a 100% success ratio. A couple of different ladies have used this move, so I’m thinking some magazine may have already published it.  It plays out like this…The woman asks me if I want to have sex.
 I think the beauty of move # 4 may lie in its simplicity.

Move # 5
This one needs a little set up…
This is one that’s most effective at the beach.  I was younger…college age…and a group of us were in the Outer Banks of NC. I was staying in a house with a bunch of fishing and drinking buddies. Two houses down from us were a group of 8 girls on spring break. Just because of location we would see each other out on the beach during the day, share our coolers, sunscreen…play volleyball …swim together in the emerald green waters of the Atlantic.
One night we were all at a popular night spot listening to music, dancing, drinking…enjoying life. Around 11:30, one of the girls asked me if I wanted to go for a walk on the beach (that’s why I think this move works better at the beach)…I said yes. We walked, talked, held hands…next thing we know we’re in the general vicinity of our beach houses…GREAT! We sit in the sand, smooch a couple of times…and she looks at me and asks if I share a room with anyone. I reply that I have the master suite all to myself. She grabs my hand, and here comes move # 5…she say’s loudly over the crashing waves,  “Come on…let’s go to your place!”  We did…and, and well…you know the rest.

You can see a resemblance to  move #s 1 thru 3 , but when you consider the environment, it clearly stands on its own.

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So there you have it ladies. My advice humbly submitted, and based on life experience of 50 years. I hope it helps. If nothing else, I gave you real and useful information, and saved a few bucks that you may have spent on a magazine.

To all you guys on The Large Man distribution list…if any of these moves are used on you, it’s more than likely a pure coincidence, but just in case…you’re welcome. Furthermore, if you are one of “those guys”, by that I mean guys that are the inspiration for the articles and lists that I am dismissing here…never, NEVER, tell me about it!

To be continued…