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Ramblings on Love Hope & Exact Moments

April 9, 2010 by JC Dolinger

The Large Man Chronicles

4-8-2010

I’m 50. I’m in a reasonably secure financial place, by no means wealthy, but so very rich. I have a nice house, a dependable car, health insurance (for now), life insurance, and a job that I love. I have a wife, a daughter, and a son that are the kind of treasure that make rainbows jealous.  It’s funny how I’ve worked so hard to have these things; but because I have them, I feel so weak and vulnerable. These were things I wished for. What the hell was I thinking?

I wish I didn’t have kids. I wish I didn’t have a wife that makes me laugh. I wish I didn’t have friends who love me. I really wish I didn’t like my job. These are all things that make you weak and vulnerable. If I didn’t have these things, I wouldn’t care about who I disappointed, and I could never truly be hurt.

When I was around 25, you couldn’t hurt me. It didn’t feel like it at the time, but it was absolutely true. I didn’t like my job…anyone that I was close to was young and healthy. Even my parents were young and healthy back then. All I had to worry about was Friday and Saturday night. Friday and Saturday had to worry about me too. I had nothing, so I had nothing to lose. This was a “limited risk” period in my life.

I should have kept things that way, but I guess we must have some organ or a gland somewhere in our anatomy that feeds on vulnerability and weakness…I think most of us seek these things out. I don’t know anybody who isn’t looking for love. Love makes you weak.

On the other hand, I guess if I didn’t have kids I would never know or understand the meaning of unconditional love, or the sadness of its absence.  My nine-year old son knows that I am a flawed person, but that knowledge has no bearing on how he greets me on a Friday night when I return home from a business trip.  This child doesn’t give a rat’s ass if I bring a t-shirt, a trinket, or a twenty dollar bill…or nothing. He’s just glad to see me. He’s like that with his friends too; he greets everyone with a handshake or a hug. What a sap! This kid loves everybody he meets. If the affection is not returned, he holds no ill will – he just moves on. I bought him a new bike last week, if I didn’t have kids I would never seen the joy in those eyes. Those eyes give me hope.

When I didn’t have kids, or a wife, I didn’t have to protect anyone. I didn’t have to nurse a fever, sweat a utility bill, pay a mortgage, or worry about taxes. When I didn’t have kids I had a lot of guitars. Guitars are cool. After I had kids, I had to sell most of my guitars to pay for shit that kids need…like milk, and heat. There is NOTHING cool about milk, or heat. That doesn’t even make sense.

I knew on my second date with my wife (despite a few detractors) that I was completely hosed. I think I even said to myself, “Oh shit…this is it…I’m completely hosed”. I remember the exact moment, and the exact place that this knowledge came to me. I became much weaker and more vulnerable as a person at that exact moment and place. But what are you gonna do? When you know, you know. 20 months later we were married…5 years after that I remember the exact moment and place where I made the decision that I wanted to have a kid. Weakness and vulnerability will always allow supplementation. Put that quote on a friggin Successories motivational poster. That shit’s real.

When I asked my girl to marry me, I made it very clear that children were not in our future. She thought that I was so amazingly hot and happening and desirable, that she wouldn’t need children to live a complete and fulfilling life. I only mention this to point out that despite what many people may think; she was, and sadly will probably always be “off the reservation” crazy about me.

5 years and a wedding later, we’re at a picnic/barbeque kinda get together, and two little angels named Rachael and Cassidy are sitting on the lawn in their cute little summer dresses playing with a ball, or patty – cake or some little girly activity that God pre-programs them to do so you can get through diaper changes. Both about a year old, both cuter than anything I have ever seen before, both “miracle babies” in different ways. Is there such a thing as baby that’s not a miracle? Anyway…I almost never met Cassidy,I think her presence was Divine intervention. She was a treasure found at the end of a rainbow. I saw those two angels and thought: I gotta get me one of those. The little Mrs. sees that look in me and that was it.

6 months and several 13 minute intervals of fun later I’m looking at a stick that has pee on it and a red +…and I realize that I had just become exponentially weaker. Love takes a different meaning when you look in the eyes of someone who loves you back, and that scares the shit out of me. I don’t care what anybody says. True love is a life sentence.

Because I was sitting in my car throwing change into a toll booth (exact time and place mentioned earlier) listening to a woman talk and laugh and share her life story without shame because she saw something in me that was good and trustworthy, I became vulnerable. I knew at that moment, that I didn’t want to think about daily life without her company.

 Because I loved my wife, and I couldn’t deprive her from seeing her own flesh and blood playing “patty – cake” at a picnic, I became weaker. I became weaker because I wanted someone else to love. I wanted to see what it felt like to look at something the way my friend Tom looked at his kids. The way he looked at this little princess named Rachael was amazing. My friend Tom was a hard ass dude. His kids come along…think of the song Big Bad Bill is Sweet William now… My friend Tom is one of the most kind and caring people you will ever meet.

I wanted to feel what my friend Mary felt like when she picked up this angel named Cassidy.  Cassidy was a surprise, and Mary was too young to raise children, and it was all such a controversy. It’s funny what a little time and a lot of love can do to a controversy.

My weak and vulnerable moments came when I wanted something that I didn’t have, or understand. After I gave in to those “wants” I became terrified beyond words. I wish I had known then, what I know now.

I wish I had known, how strong that weakness and vulnerability could make you. How seeing love, and receiving love, and giving love, makes your capacity for love grow. The more you give, the more you have. How it makes you think about how every person you’ve ever judged is someone’s son or daughter, father or mother. This weakness and vulnerability will actually make you stronger.

I am so glad I have kids. I am so happy that I have a wife. Love makes you strong.

A very close friend sent an email today asking for prayers for her dear friend who was just diagnosed with cancer…her pain dripped from the letters on my computer screen. Her sick buddy is a close family friend that helped her and her child through some difficult times. My friend’s note mentioned something about how life can be so unfair…this is true. The only reply I could muster was to hold on to hope, and that any good story starts with hope.

I hear the word cancer, or see it written, and I think of two friends – both miracles. One very recent and still a very fragile story of triumph. The other a kick ass tear jerker – FUCK YOU CANCER “I won’t quit” story of perseverance and unimaginable faith … and hope.

Of course these stories give all of us hope. For some of us, they help find a path to our God, because we see His work and His love. But because these are such close calls, it sure makes me wonder if it wouldn’t be better if I was that 25-year-old dude again. When I didn’t care so much about the people in my life I really didn’t need hope…faith either for that matter. AND, again…I couldn’t be hurt.

I have listened to too many stories of sickness and sadness over the last several months. I’m 50…most of my friends are in the 50 range so I guess these things should be expected, or at least not be unexpected. My buddy Dave and I were talking about this a few weeks ago, as another of our childhood friends had passed. During our chat he mentioned that in the past 5 or 6 years he has been to 1 wedding, and 5 funerals.  That’s not a “feel good” ratio…frankly it sucks. It makes me wonder where I can find the hope or the humor that I love to write about.

But I only wonder for a little while.

There are always stories out there…really good tales of triumph like my friends Jerry, and Misty. There are amazing stories of love like Rachael’s, and Cassidy’s everywhere. Thanks to Rachael, and Cassidy  I get to come home from a trip and get those welcome home hugs, and look into those eyes that give me hope. There’s where I find the hope.

I find hope in a little 9-year-old boy who loves everyone he meets, simply because he doesn’t know how not to.

And there is always a crazy broad somewhere that wants my kidneys or other vital organs,  so  you know…I’ll get my humor there.

Until next time, go tell someone you love them…

The Large Man

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Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments

9 Responses

  1. on April 9, 2010 at 4:33 AM Sheila

    Best one yet. I loved it, and I’m betting your wife did, too. XOXO


  2. on April 9, 2010 at 4:45 AM Julie Helms

    Loved your story Jc! You are an amazing storyteller. Your wife and kids are lucky to have you. Always knew you were vulnerable and that you were special! Thanks for sharing ~ it really hit home. Can’t wait to see the next story.


  3. on April 9, 2010 at 12:29 PM Bob

    You fucker – you made me cry before I’ve even had a full cup of coffee! Your writing is getting stronger . . . keep ’em coming.

    Now – bring back the funny. —pass the kleenex.


  4. on April 9, 2010 at 1:05 PM Kim Knight

    Wow! I loved the story…such a sensitive guy. Your wife is a lucky woman. Love you bunches!


  5. on April 9, 2010 at 2:20 PM David Chichka

    He that hath wife and children hath given hostages to fortune; for they are impediments to great enterprises, either of virtue or mischief. Certainly the best works, and of greatest merit for the public, have proceeded from the unmarried or childless men; which both in affection and means, have married and endowed the public.

    Francis Bacon
    –Of Marriage and the Single Life

    I’ve had similar thoughts many a time. Traded freedom for wife and kids. Traded the safety of solitude for the risks of love. Haven’t regretted it yet.


  6. on April 10, 2010 at 2:33 PM Tweets that mention Ramblings on Love Hope & Exact Moments « The Large Man Chronicles -- Topsy.com

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by kellyma, kellyma. kellyma said: A childhood friend just wrote a poignant blog on Love & Hope. It's a mist read. Another great one JC! http://bit.ly/c6IUri […]


  7. on April 10, 2010 at 4:12 PM Kathy Wentworth Drahosz

    This one definitely touched my heart!! You ROCK Large Man!!


  8. on April 11, 2010 at 5:55 PM Kathy

    I read them all and really enjoyed them. Please keep writing!


  9. on April 13, 2010 at 2:50 AM T-Bone

    As I stare 40 in the face, your words speak to me in ways I can not myself put into words.



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