The Large Man Chronicles

A little over a year ago, two of my favorite people got engaged. A little less than a year ago, those two engaged & favorite people dialed me up on a Facetime call and asked me to perform their wedding ceremony. Of course, I said, “Of course!” An exclamation point at the end of my quoted reply does not properly describe my enthusiasm. I was overjoyed, I was deeply touched, and I was honored that these two amazing young people would want me to be even a small part of their story. Steffen Blair, and Bailey (Dilks) Blair asked me to be the Officiant for:

The Blair Hitch Project.

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A little history…

I met Bailey Dilks in the summer of 2008, she was ten or eleven years old, and lived in the house across the street from where my family had just moved. We lived there for twelve years. Bailey’s father became one of my best friends, our families became very close…and for whatever reason, Bailey and I developed a very special & kindred relationship. I wasn’t really “Uncle” Large Man, but it was something like that. As Bailey became an adult, her crude humor, her deep passion for her cares and interests, and her joy for life, strengthened that connection.

Steffen came into the picture a little bit later. Steffen is an artist. He thinks like an artist, he speaks like an artist, he behaves like a romantic… he’s a quiet, purposeful, renaissance man. Even though he’s young enough to be my third cousin, whenever I spend time with him, I always feel like learn something. Most of all, when I see Steffen, I see his kindness.

As kids, Steffen & Bailey got into a little trouble when they were caught having a smooch in the hallway in middle school. Who knew that that was (sorta) the beginning of something so beautiful? Years later, I was privileged to watch this special relationship bud, and then grow into a heartwarming little love story. I got to witness it from across the street, and I was able to hear about it from proud parents, and that’s how I got the privilege of performing the inevitable wedding ceremony.

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So, plans were made, scripts were written, and then re-written, and then massaged. Vows were written, dresses of dusty sage & suits of steel blue were acquired. I would be adorned in a contrasting but complimenting golden flax 3-piece linen suit, with a floral tie that accented both the bridal party and the groomsmen’s colors. Seating arrangements, music, processionals, recessionals, DJ’s, flowers, plans, plans, and then MORE plans! And then, like we knew it would, the third weekend in August finally arrived, and it was GO TIME for The Blair Hitch Project.

A little foreshadowing…

This is no secret, but I’m an emotional guy. When I feel things, I feel them deeply… both bad and good. I hold grudges for life, without parole. But thankfully, I remember acts of kindness, humanity, and love forever as well. I don’t think this level of emotional depth is healthy in any way. There are so many times I look back at incidents, situations, and even simple conversations where I wish I was better able to contain & control my feelings. It’s almost always a struggle for me, emotions will get the best of me, at least once a week. It ain’t easy being me, but one must learn to accept who and what they are.

As the plans, plans, and more plans were in process, the subject of The Large Man being able to hold it together, was brought up more than a few times. This was fair.  But I assured Steffen and Bailey that I would be okay, because I knew with everyone else’s wedding day emotions flying around, that someone was going to need to be the rock that the two of them could stand on. It was my job to be that rock, and I took the job very seriously. I told them both, straight to their faces, in a planning meeting in the kitchen of their recently purchased, and future marital home, that they, “…didn’t need to worry”, and that I would be “okay”.

Each word of that assurance left my lips in slow motion because I knew each word was its own individual lie. The words joined together and created a huge lie. Because I’m me.

I cried when Charlie Sheen’s character, Wild Thing, walked to the mound in the climax scene in ‘Major League’. So now, I’m gonna be expected to hold it together while I watch Bailey walk down the aisle?

This whole idea was completely irresponsible.

Let’s unpack this a little. Shall we?

The music is gonna start, and Bailey will begin her journey down the aisle, and I will look at Steffen looking at her, and he’s gonna glaze up a little, and I’m going to reflect on the boy I first met, and the man that’s standing in front of me now. Then I’ll look back down the aisle towards Bailey, and there will be her parents, two of my most cherished friends, and I’ll see the joy, the pride, the love, in their eyes, and in 5 seconds I’ll relive every emotional moment we’ve ever had together. All of this will be happening in front of my wife and my children who will be looking at me with such pride, appreciation, and love, and then I’ll wish my mom could have seen this too. And then…as if all that’s not enough… AND THEN … I’ll shift my eyes to Bailey, and she’ll look at me and she’ll smile that smile that always greets me with love, friendship, (a little mischief) and joy… that smile that is more vibrantly layered and textured and a million times more valuable than a $1,000 bottle of Pinot. AND THEN… I’ll be “the rock” they can all stand on.

No, I won’t.

On Seinfeld, the George Costanza character famously quoted, “Just remember, it’s not a lie, if you believe it.” I was going to have to be like George. I was going to have to believe the lie. I had to make that lie my truth… and be the rock.

I was overjoyed that my grown ass kids were going to be at the wedding as well. We rendezvoused at Casa de Large Man on Friday morning, and made the journey to our former hometown, the place where my babies grew up. It had been a few years since we moved away, and we hadn’t been back as a team since the move was made.

As we were loading up the car, my son asked me if I was nervous. I replied with this impromptu & earnest speech:

“Son, let me tell you something about your ol’ man, I don’t get nervous. I don’t let moments or events become bigger than me. Is this an unbelievable honor? You bet. Am I excited? Absolutely! But Bailey & Steffen need me to keep this thing on track, this is a huge moment for them, and I need to be invisible. It can’t look like it’s too big for me. I can’t be nervous… I can’t be emotional… for them. I’ll be fine.”

When I finished that little soliloquy, I thought to myself, Damn! That was Good! I thought, there’s my mantra for the next 48 hours, maybe not the whole freaking speech, but the “invisible” part, hell yeah!

So, with that resolution in place, I closed the hatch on our SUV, we were loaded up & heading north! The rehearsal dinner was at 5:00, we would get there about 3 hours early, connect with friends, and nothing was going to shake this Large Man, this rock.

We gathered at the wedding venue; the backyard of Steffen’s grandparent’s home. The grounds were a lush green, the bridesmaids and groomsmen were milling about… the chatter and laughter of friends and family filled the warm summer air. It was a total “joy vibe”.

There were sound guys working, there was a musician going over the timing and starts and stops. Mrs. Large Man was the tournament director, she would put people in their respective places, get the ushers to ush, and have the bridesmaids maid. She would make sure they all walked in proper sequence. It all came together as one would hope, and once we had the choreography worked out, we ran through our first full rehearsal of the processional.

It went GREAT… well, for the most part. Everyone got to their proper spots, and Steff & Bai were in front of me, all smiles. We were using a proximity microphone, so it would pick up the sound of my voice and the bride and groom respectively. To get things set, I was asked to start with the beginning of our wedding script.

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome! Welcome to the wedding of …Ste…welc…hmmmm” and then I broke. I could not finish the first f-ing sentence of the ceremony script before I choked up and could not speak. Looking back at it, I’m reminded of the Allan Iverson rant about practice:

We’re not talking about the wedding! We’re talkin’ about practice! Not the WEDDING! NOT THE WEDDING! We’re talking about REHEARSAL, MAN! We’re talkin’ about PRACTICE! AND I CAN’T DO IT! PRACTICE, MAN! THIS IS JUST PRACTICE!

Oh, it gets better.

Kelsey, the awesomely amazing younger sister of Bailey, and the Maid of Honor, obviously right next to me, sees my seizure, and says, “Oh no! Shit! Really? Are you gonna be able to do this?”

Did I mention the proximity mic? Yeah, the microphone picked that up too. And all I heard was, “Shit! Really?” echoing off the other houses in the neighborhood (and the church next door!!) “SHIT Shit shit …..”

I gathered myself. I wiped a single tear and I soldiered on. It was just practice.

Then Kelsey lost it in the next run through. Then a few bridesmaids were overcome… and a few parents. The emotions shifted from love and joy, to laughter, and then back again. It was the best! It is the Large Man’s opinion that tears of joy or laughter are some of life’s most precious gifts. I don’t know of anything more genuine or pure. It was sweet, it was funny, and it was lovely. And it was just practice!

Frankly, I’m not sure I want to be at a wedding (or a practice) that goes off without a hitch, and I damn well KNOW I don’t want to be part of a wedding where everyone can keep their emotions in check. Those emotions should be too big to contain.

After four run throughs, and some adjustments, the rehearsal was called complete. We had a wonderful dinner. We laughed about the day. We were ready. (Not really)

Saturday came. The music played. We all made that journey down the aisle. And, proudly, with only a few choked up moments, we made it through the ceremony. There was a LOT of misty eye action, but nobody broke. When Steff & Bai exchanged the vows they had written for each other, was the hardest part for me. The two people in front of me were not the little kids I had met so many years ago. These were 2 grown up best friends who could not imagine a life without each other. This was a man and a woman who loved each other as purely and as deeply as possible, and that love radiated right in front of me.

That moment was definitely bigger than me. And yet, I get to keep that moment and hold it in my heart for the rest of my life.

And then they kissed. And now, they will live happily ever after.

So, there you have it! The Large Man performed a wedding. It all happened on August 20th, 2022… The Blair Hitch Project. Steffen Blair & Bailey Dilks became Mr. & Mrs. Steffen & Baily Blair, and I was the first person to officially (and tearfully…a little) introduce them! And then, as if all that wasn’t enough, we got to dance! Dancing is fun.

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I loved telling the tale. I miss this!